I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
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Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
#SuperBowl
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.