A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
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Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*