My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
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My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.