Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
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Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
when the buffet is more honest than your date
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.