I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
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[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
She: I like Cats
He:
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
This was my dad’s browser history.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur