Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
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The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
set yourself free xox
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try β either do or donut
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
βWe donβt dry dishes, Mom, thatβs airβs jobβ annoying kid logic that youβre secretly proud of.
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because Iβm literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
βGreat minds think alikeβ
So do stupid minds
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.