GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
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[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
men are simple creatures
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.