Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
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Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
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HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns