[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
You Might Also Like
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
Cats (2019)
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
They did not think through this water fountain
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…