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Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
My favorite female superhero
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.