NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
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Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!