Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
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My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them