Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
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professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.