Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
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date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.