What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
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The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?