The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
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My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
english majors be like furthermore
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
ok hear me out: Luigiana
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.