I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
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[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
Room with a view.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
gm
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.