Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
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Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button