Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
You Might Also Like
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
who did the taste test?
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.