agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
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Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
#catsoftwitter
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type