I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
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My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda