Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
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[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
Science memes
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.