I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
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Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
goldfish mafia
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.