Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
You Might Also Like
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
I didn’t come here to be called names
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”