OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
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My horoscope said I should kiss you today
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
When I can’t barge, I careen.
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”