If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
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I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
Only a mother’s love …
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
😅🤣😂
thanks auntie mary
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined