Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
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The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.