For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
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It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.