My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
You Might Also Like
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
the Monday after daylight savings
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents