To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
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The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
Breaking news:
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito