I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
You Might Also Like
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
Me trying to walk in a dream
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
The biggest mystery of our time
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.