Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
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Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.