I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
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yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
My first son he is wonderful
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
Best misinterpreted text ever!
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.