It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
You Might Also Like
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.