You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
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sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
OH. COME. ON.
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.