Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
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If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
remember
only for emergencies
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir