I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
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“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
This raises questions
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
🤣😂
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.