squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
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Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
Yes my dude
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?