You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
You Might Also Like
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
Why am I like this?
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.