My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
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One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.