Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
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Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.