Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
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After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
How wrong was this guy?
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
me irl
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
meow
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke