WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
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Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
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