As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
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Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
i could never be president. im overqualified.
pat pat
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved