Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
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going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
idk flipping houses looks really hard
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.