*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
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[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.