Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
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Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
WWE is French for “yes”
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
Well, this certainly took a turn
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch