I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
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Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
Beware…..
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
Skills
was Jim off killing horses or…
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job