Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
You Might Also Like
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.