Green is just blue that someone peed in
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all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
Lmfao
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.